Aerial Overhaul

Remembrance day is a holiday in Manitoba... as far as I can remember this is not the case in Ontario. Most people have the day off from work and school and the streets are slightly more full than on a typical day in the city (I am still struck by the relative emptiness of the sidewalks, there are typically lots of people speeding around in cars but very few pounding the pavement). It was nice, somehow the weather is really mild here still (Climate Change perhaps!!!:( ) and I am trying to soak it up because as I have been told countless times 'it will not last'. And when it does finally pass, myself and the rest of Winnipeg will be immersed in a brutally cold and unforgiving winter-- this prospect haunts me!! I have, of recent, taken to walking Toad along the river, it is really peaceful and makes me happy to be here. Apparently you can skate on the rivers throughout the winter, I am so looking forward to this.

School has got me all worked up and excited about Narrative therapy and I am finally making exciting connections between my years of feminist theory studies and narrative therapeutic practices. This is pretty much exactly what I want to be thinking about! My instructor, Libby, picked up on my interest in this relationship (between narrative and feminist theory) and brought some books from her home collection that she thought I might find interesting... I am devouring them! Next weekend I am doing a workshop just on Narrative practices, I will write more on the topic after that. Though maybe people (readers) find this sort of thing boring??? I never know...

Last night I had my first flying dream. I am really thrilled about this. To be entirely honest, I have gone through some whirlwind emotional experiences lately and it has been feeling like my internal world was being overhauled-- for better or for worse.?. So, it's seems somewhat symbolic to me that I was given the gift of an aerial dream. Significantly, I was flying over a men's soccer game and the guys in the game were looking up at me and laughing--- but I kept on flying nonetheless and I remember thinking how effortless the whole thing was, it sort felt like swimming but even easier.

I feel more and more like I am actually living here. Waking up in the morning no longer comes with the same jolt of surprise. This is both reassuring and disconcerting. Though, admittedly I am counting down the days till I return home for a visit--- 29 days left!

Finally, I strongly recommend the new(ish) Bill Callahan album, titled: 'Sometimes I wish we were an Eagle)... it is fucking gorgeous. In my opinion the second song should go down in history, it is so creative and feeling and musically perfect. Pick it up, for real.

Loving y'all.

mind shadows

insomnia!

it's been haunting me lately. mostly i get the kind where i abruptly wake up in the middle of the night with some kind of panic (dream related?) and then continue to stay awake for at least three hours and it usually not until the light starts creeping around the curtains that my head starts to feel heavy and disappear again to sleep.

i am not a skilled insomniac and tend to not do the things you are advised to do, i.e. read, get up and make tea, watch something, pet the dog, etc. instead i do exactely what is bound to keep me locked in awake land while everyone else floats around in thier dream soups, i WORRY. of late i worry about the best of all topics: i worry that my life is amounting to nothing, i worry that by living in winnipeg i am losing my most important loving connections at home, i worry that i will never have the family i so want and i worry about death... yep, that's become a real biggie for me... when will i die? will i die with regrets? what does death feel like and where will i go when i'm gone? i worry to the point that it all begins to feel real. the doom and gloom swims in my blood and i believe, i believe every though that graces my mind.

not a good scene. nope, this internal life of mine has taken a turn for the worst. dark nights of the soul alright.

i have some ideas about how i got into this dark little mess and where it may even be taking me (i have come to see that these episodes in the mind's shadows have a place-- they are encounters with our own vulnerability and they keep us raw and sometimes even leave us refreshed)... there is some definite purging going on and i imagine that after i tire from these infinite worries i will be in a bit of a different place... but this a topic for another time. for now, i will lay my head down and hope to enter a steady stream of sleep and if not, at least i know what the script is.

xo.

holy moly mary it's been a long time!

well, as many of you have noticed i have really dropped the ball on posting over the past month or so. this happened mostly because i went to toronto and had wonderful whirlwind adventures and then returned to this here winnipeg and went directly into crisis mode, agonising day and day out as to whether or not i should remain or return!!! i did not want to subject my dear readers to my circular and in moments highly self-indulgent thinking and so i backed off.

i plan to build my return to the realm of blogging slowly, filling in the gaps as i go. for now, the most i can say is that Halloween seemed to revive me. during the day i partook in the manitoba spirit as i played in an outdoor ball hockey tournament and in the evening i donned my virgin mary costume (which included a hand-made embroidered velvet sacred heart, that took me HOURS to make) and ventured out into the wonderful world of winnipeg parties. boy oh boy does this city know how to a) party b) be mind-blowingly creative about how it parties (i would say so much more on this matter but it really deserves a separate post). whether it was the awesomeness of the parties, my relative sense of anonymity in this town or the special powers that came to me as i embodied the virgin, i cannot say but i felt an immense sense of freedom last night as floated from event to event, dancing my tired hockey body till 5 am!

so, yeah, i am happy to say that i am back, ready to resume my writen account of the various trials/joys of re-locating, of prarie city life, of new communities and of learning to better understand and work with the emotional terrain of families, etc .

from winnipeg with love,

my.

Dad's depiction of Winni...it's perfect

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii,

Quick little update 'cause this piggy peg girl is totally exhausted!!!

So here is some of recent life in brief:

This weekend was good. Very good. But mostly it was very good because it was kick started with a Final Fantasy and Timber Timbre show, two of my most beloved Toronto bands. I went to the show with Kellee and Chris who are awesome and lovely and friends of friends of mine in T.O. The night actually started with some time spent in Kellee and Chris' living room, drinking an amazing whisky and fresh blueberry concoction and having a total cute overload as K and C's 2 yr. old son went through a picture book with the babysitter saying all sorts of amazing toddler things AND two of the cutest mutty dogs lay sleeping on top of one another at my feet. That level of cuteness is hard for me, makes everything feel like it's bursting inside.

The show itself was magic which is entirely in keeping with both of those performers... it's so incredible that they were touring together, similar to the cuteness overload, this show gave me 'shivers and chills' overload! Note to any of you who have managed to never see a FF or TT show, I urge to check both of them out ASAP. Notably, this was also the first non-rap concert that I have been to since arriving here--- in fact I have probably seen more rap shows in the past month than I have seen in my entire life before moving to Winnipeg, so strange. After the show Kellee, Chris, myself and Taylor from TT went to a pub in the exchange district and funess continued.

Final Fantasy and Timber Timbre played at a place called the West End Cultural Center which was probably the fanciest place I have been too since I moved to this city. Have I mentioned before that NOTHING is fancy here? Or at least nothing I have seen. I'm sure there is a fanciness but it is not a predominant feature. Which is actually pretty incredible and truly changes the atmosphere of the city. This particular venue has recently been renovated and has a big spacious and somewhat formal/dignified feeling to it. It was really relaxing to actually be somewhere that was just a big simple space, i.e. no t.v.'s or carpets or gambling machines.

Other good details of the weekend:

- I watched two episodes of True Blood which really is good! It's tacky and over the top but soooo compelling at the same time. I think it's the characters, they are so distinct and actually kind of complex... they draw you right in. It's also that it's set in the South, the South always gets me...

- Dane and I drank Booster Juice which I have only recently discovered and have found it to be a fairly good substitute for Fresh smoothies and an excellent hangover remedy.

- My readings for school proved to be excessively interesting. Learning now about Attachment theory which as the author articulated it is actually a theory that tries to understand the importance of love for psychological development and well being. Sounds big and overly simple but please know this is 'cause I am too tired to properly flesh it out. In actuality it is so fascinating and what I have been dying to learn about for years. LOVE. I am studying LOVE.

Lovelovelove,

my.

This City

Winnipeg, winnipeg, winnipeg how is it that you offer me endless amounts of wierdness? Are you inherently weird? Is it my foreign eyes that see you as weird when perhaps you are entirely normal to the natives? Or is it that I attract the weirdness that is only but one of your many components?

My time here has now passed the one month mark and I must say I am not convinced that this is the place for me. Which is nothing less than a sad and somewhat demoralizing thought... I have after all just moved the majority of the contents of my life, my small and seemingly equally confused dog and my very own body, soul and mind to this city with the earnest intent of staying for 4 whole years (in order to complete my program). Granted perhaps I moved with too high hopes. Hopes of friendly communities just waiting to welcome the out of towner, hopes of smaller city quaintness and a refreshing lack of pretension (which there is but what sits in it's place is not exactly appealing to me) and overall a hope that the change would invigorate and inspire me in a way that would not be possible if I continued living in Toronto. As many of you have told me before I am a woman of high expectations and perhaps high expectations are not fair to a city such as Winnipeg... perhaps Winnipeg is a place that one should have moderate or mediocre expectations of? And if this is the case than is it a place where I will be happy?

I am not sure if any of you back home have heard of the recent spade of intensely violent occurrences that have transpired here in Manitoba's capital? Well, I will spare the long list but I think it is worth mentioning that I live but 1 street away from where a man was lit on fire last week. Yes, that's right, he was doused with lighter fluid and then had a match (or maybe a succession of matches) thrown on him which naturally caught on fire, causing 2nd and 3rd degree burns along his whole body. The reasons for this particularly disturbing crime are confusing to me, according to the media it had to do with some kind of revenge as the man lit on fire tried to stop the criminals from stealing a car a week or so back. Sounds like half a story to me but who knows? I thought that I was used to a degree of 'rough around the edges', 'dangerous-esque' living having lived in Kensington market, a block away from a serious crack park and lots of other crazy shit, but I must say the violence that exists in this city gives me the creeps. There is a nastiness and a randomness to it that makes me sad about humanity.

On an entirely different and much lighter note, I have been going to a pottery class at a place called Art City that is near my house and it is a total delight. Art City has existed for like 15 yrs and all of the classes there are entirely free! It draws an amazingly mixed crowd and I have met some really awesome people there. I go on Tuesday nights between 4pm and 8pm and have been working on a ceiling mobile of eye balls, I can't tell if it's going to work out or not, but if it does it will be totally dope (in my humble opinion). It feels crazy to be able to do so much pottery for free but hey, this is one of the real bonus points of the peg... lots of funding goes to super cool shit!! So if your thinking of starting a community initiative or making a movie or getting an ngo going why not move to Winnipeg!!! Come on guys.... please.

Lastly, I am coming home for Thanksgiving. I am very happy about this. But I am also very scared considering that I am not yet feeling so hyped about this move and fear that going home will make it sooooo much harder to come back.

Is it always really hard to move or is this city just not a great fit for me? I ask myself this about a thousand times a day. Also what about the fact that I really moved for the program and the program has met all of my unrealistically high expectations... so should I just put my dislike for the city aside? Also what about those of you who love Winnipeg, could you maybe fill me in on what you love?

MZW

ps. it is freaking freezing here already.

dippity doo

5:30 pm here.

Listening to Nolan Natasha. The incredible trans rapper from Toronto. Remembering Alice and I watching him perform this summer, in awe, tearing up at the bravery/awesomeness of his lyrics and beauty of his presence.

Hitting one of those dips in the day. Will try and remedy it by heading to the Y for a swim. Afterwards there is some collective embroidery art project thingy majigy that I will check out.

Maybe it will help... the mood?

Only 2 days till I am 28, WTF!!! Aging doesn't stop for nothing. I will be attending a rap show for my b-day, entirely in character with the hilarity/aburdity/surreal-ness of my new life. I am already aching thinking about how much I will miss you all.

Class last night was once again mind-blowing.

Aloha from Manitoba!

Hey. It feels like it has been a loooooooooong time since I have hammered out one of these entries. Maybe that means I have been busy? Or maybe it means I have been lazy? Or perhaps it means that nothing has happened at all? Or that so much has happened I don't know where to begin? It is, I think a combination of all of the above. It definitely becomes more intimidating to write when the momentum slows down and I lose a few days in a row-- suddenly everything and nothing becomes a topic worth blogging about. So, given that it has been a little while and I am feeling bogged down in both the details and the vagueness, I think that I will approach this blog systematically or categorically. I will discuss school first, then dad's visit and finally return to the topic of fun and entertainment in this strange and ?exciting? prairie town.

School:

Much, much to say on this front. To begin with, I am happy to share that I am still loving it and think that it is a very good fit indeed. I had a class last Wednesday that was markedly different than the class I reported on earlier, a fact that I can attribute almost entirely to the incredible eccentricity of the professor. A woman with extensive credentials, tremendous charisma and quirks more bizarre than I have yet to encounter in the sphere of academia. The first feature I should mention is her outfit: a matching top and pants made out of a bright hawaiin print fabric. The second notable point was her penchant and belief in stretching, indeed every 10 minutes a stop watch positioned on her desk goes off signaling that we all must get up and invigorate our brains by stretching our limbs. Stretching at ten minute intervals in a graduate level course, fantastic!!! She also fashioned her lecture with diagrams that I am certain only made sense to her (full of all sorts of zig zaggy lines and cryptic coding) insisting that learning occurs better when there are visual aids. However despite her true quirkiness, I must admit she appeared to have a deep grasp of the content of the course and I am super hyped to get into the material. It is a pure theory course and from what I can tell is going to include a ton of new information for me.

Dad Visit:

My incomparably sweet and wonderful father re-routed the tail end of a business trip to come to Winnipeg for one day and two nights. It was such a delight to be around someone who knows me so, so very well-- to speak to someone without my new found negative brain chatter that convinces me that no one I meet likes me or wants to hang out with me! :( ! My dad has to like me, he is my dad!! Ha! No but for real we had a really nice time and actually crammed quite a bit of winnipegging into that one day. We explored the Exchange District which is a pretty nice part of town full of extremely large old, beautiful warehouse type buildings, (as well as some fancier more elaborate gothic type constructions) some of which have been taken over by business. We wandered into some really awesome places... i.e. a massive, massive used book/record store called Red River Books which I plan on returning to when I am in need of my next read. I gleaned some more evidence of this charm that people who love this city refer to, which was reassuring.

Our visit was topped off by going to Rae and Jerry's steak house, a restaurant truly like NO OTHER. It is a place that has literally been frozen in the 60’s. The restaurant is housed in large bungalow type, L shaped building, it’s interior is almost entirely red (REFER to pictures above)—the walls have red paneling on them, the carpet is cherry red, the staff wear red vests, plush red vinel swivel chairs and the incredibly retro font on the menu is a rich red colour. It is in my opinion aesthetically incredible, classy and romantic feeling but also somehow without pretension. The patrons all look fairly casual and at ease as they eat their incredible meals. Dad was particularly enthusiastic about the menu, ordering pickled herring, chopped liver (yes, I do believe it is a Jewish establishment!) and a steak sandwich—we all shared the herring and liver and then had our own meals as well. The food was actually amazing and thoroughly enjoyed by all (as were the Manhattan’s).

As for entertainment/ socializing… I think I will leave that category for now, however I will mention that things seem to be getting better in this department and I have come to develop an appreciation for carpeted bars as well as for the REMARKABLE drinking capacity of the average Winnipeger—a capacity, I have learned (the hard way) that I simply do not have.

Finally, Patrick my other room mate has returned from Europe and I must say he one hilarious dude, so yay, my room mates are awesome. It’s looking up….

Patience Makes the Heart grow Fonder (I know this isn't the real expression)!

Friends and Family,

It has been a little while and I want to reassure that I am in the process of composing a real juicy post but sadly my eyes are drooping as I embark on cleaning it up and getting it out on the world wide web, so I am going to hit the sack and edit it up for you first thing tomorrow morn. Just you wait, just you wait.

Loving You Always,

Myera.

Nice to see you (in my dreams)

I had dream after dream last night that I left Winnipeg and moved back to Toronto. These were vivid and detailed dreams, all the elements were just right-- my friends and family sounded and acted just as my friends and family do and city looked and felt exactely as it does (in my imagination at least). I must have seen you all in those dreams 'cause I swear I went to at least ten dinner parties in the span of my 8 hours of sleep! It was thrilling, I was so happy to see everyone again and to not be bothered with the barrage of insecure thoughts that seem to accompany the experience of meeting new people day in and day out, I felt normal, even my laugh sounded more like my own (if that makes sense...). Everyone looked so beautiful and fun, I remembering just staring at your faces-- taking in every line, shade and feature.

Leaving these dreams for reality was not a pleasant experience. No, I had not returned home but rather woke to find myself smack dab in Winnipeg, the same city I fell asleep in. Facing the task again of embracing a life where there are far, far more unknowns and far less comforts. None the less the drive for coffee neccesarily kicked in and off to the hippie christian cafe I went!!! AHH, what a very strange life this is. Later in the day, I got myself a YMCA membership and was delighted to find the gym/pool housed in one of these big ol' Winnipeg buildings with beautiful architecture that makes you feel important or healthy or something. So tomorrow I will swim and steam in hopes of releasing some of my consistently unrealistic expectations of what life is and should be, i.e fun and dramatic and inspiring, etc.

I know I said I would write about Temple Grandin but I switched books last night (now reading, The Diviners-- a Prairie classic) and have temporarily lost touch with the autism/animal world.

See you in my dreams...

P.S. People here continue to tell me about this 'something' quality that Winnipeg has, a quality that makes itself apparent after you stop missing home... I am still in search of it but promise to report back as soon as it begins to emerge.

feeling good

I am breathing one big extended sigh of relief. Tonight, I had my first class as a Master's student in Couples and Family Counseling and not only did it meet my expectations, it exceeded them by far. I didn't realize how exciting this would feel. I can now believe that I have indeed made the right decision in coming here and it renders the daily tribulations of being a Toronto expat and Winnipeg newbie far less dramatic or meaningful in the GRAND scheme of things. Phew, phew, phew!

What a crazy feeling to be sitting in a class listening to, talking about and anticipating reading about, EXACTLY what I am interested in. The content of my very deepest interests are now the subject at hand, what I care most about in this world is what I am about to learn and think about on a daily basis and among other people with same concerns, the same passions.

The instructor of today's course (whose name is Libby, which is extra symbolic for me as that was my beloved bubbie's name and a name I really love) was striking in more ways than I could hope to articulate all at once. There was however one thing that I found particularly interesting about her instruction, she emphasized focusing on how our bodies responded to the material or the discussions at hand. How we might tense up when we disagreed or felt inadequate in discussion, how things relaxed when the material was more comfortable and to just pay attention to this. And while this might sound trivial or silly, it's actually remarkable in terms of developing an awareness of how we process and respond to reality, to even just notice what our reactions are-- as opposed to just reacting. My body was a- flutter! Waves of excitement mixed with anticipation with nervousness and then most significantly actually feelings of warmth. It is physically warming to be in a room talking about people and therapeutic practice, talking about the importance of maintaining humanity and humility as a practitioner, talking about possibility in the face of actual trauma's, talking about theoretic approaches to interpersonal relations, etc. This is the stuff I have been waiting for and working towards for years and my bodily response was one of relief and happiness.

So yes for now I am in the right place and I am so, so grateful to know it, 'cause these past few weeks have been somewhat agonizing.

There are no further updates on Face and Toad, as Face refuses to come down from Dane's room and therefore has not been interacting with Toad at all. Coincidentally I am reading Temple Grandin's latest book, Animals Make Us Human and learning a tremendous amount about the evolution and psychology of domesticated animals. And I think this may be the topic of tomorrow's blog. I assure it will be interesting! Fascinating actually. And for those of you who have not yet encountered Temple Grandin, she is an autistic lady who is obsessed with animals and who has an uncanny ability to see things from an animals perspective-- she has a PhD in Animal Behavior, which is a crazy and anomalous achievement for someone autistic. Here is a picture of her to peek your interest... she looks like a total dyke (she has amazing butchy/cowboy styles) to me but she claims to be entirely asexual and entirely disinterested in people.

It's raining CATS AND DOGS-- It actually is

Today Face moved back home. Face is Patrick's cat. Patrick is in Europe doing music stuff and his beloved cat was temporarily staying with a friend who had to return him today as she was going out of town. The re-integration of Face to house, house that is now occupied by a woman and a dog, did not go well... to put it mildly. At about 9 am today, the cat (whose name suits him perfectly, he has a big, wide, open face that just stares out at you) was dropped off. About half an hour later Toad and I headed downstairs to meet our new feline house mate and in my not quite conscious haze I didn't think a) that maybe I should pre-plan how this introduction should be made, i.e. Toad probably should have been on a leash, b) that anything could go all that wrong.

The minute Toad's little paws hit the first floor and Face caught sight of him everything went ape-shit. I couldn't even describe exactly what happened because it went really, really fast and it involved furry bodies flying in each and every direction. I am pretty sure that Face literally tried to climb the wall and did at least two back flips while making strange hissing noises that were produced in some deep down part of his body. Toad was frantically trying to respond... dancing between trying to meet the cat and trying to escape the cat. I screamed. Dane looked at the these 2 animals, neither of them his, horrified. And then we went into phase two, the phase that directly follows crisis, the planning phase. So what the hell do we do now?

We haven't exactly passed through phase two yet.... but some developments have occurred. After the furry freak out, Face found a spot for himself on a dining room chair near the back wall and back windows of the house. Toad being the doy yoy that he is again attempted to make friends with this representative from the other species... Face made that weird growly hiss sound and his fur started flying off his body ( I am not kidding, he has been violently shedding his beautiful coat all day-- which is apparently a sure sign of stress in cats). Toad sort of backed off but didn't really seem to absorb the meaning of the poor Face's body language and vocals. Throughout the day, it seems that Face has allowed Toad to get closer and closer, though when the distance between them shrinks significantly Face's back goes way up and the noises start. Dane is of the belief that we should let them play this out on their own and I should not interfere. I don't know cats and he does, so I am letting him make the call on this one-- though I know it likely will result in Toad getting swatted in the face (no pun or whatever intended).

At the moment, the traumatized Toad is nuzzled in his crate so that the traumatized Face can have his run of the house without mr. canine goof ball popping up around every corner. It's a tricky thing that we have done to these cats and dogs, making them live together and share the same role, i.e. pet for humans. It's a role they don't want to share, they don't want to share the love of their owners, they don't want to share the physical space and moreover they don't want to be in a club or a fraternity/sorority with a creature of an entirely different etiological origin and orientation. I sympathize with them, I really do. And at the same time I am in awe at how these creatures take over our lives. Both Dane and myself (along with many other people on the peripheries) whole day was taken by thinking about, strategizing around and emotionally dealing with these two little wackos, it's unreal! My feeling is that it will all work out in time and I am sincerely looking forward to getting to know this intense little (not so little really) cat.

Any tips from those of you have experience with the forced cat/dog family?

X.O. My.

P.S. I made a drink of vodka and pineapple juice and it's delicious.

P.P.S. I am going to see Skratch Bastid tonight which is very exciting as I have heard nothing but good things about him but somehow have never seen him, even though he lives in T.O. My roomies are apparently really good friends with him, so I am being brought along! Fun.

P.P.P.S. Remind me to write about the art show I saw today, video of sex workers talking about their grandmothers, it was great--- there is good art here after all.

I am considering coming home as I publish this post

Thought I would post some more pictures of the magnificent prairie LIGHT and my neighborhood and me in my neighborhood. As you can tell, with no job yet and school not starting till next week, I clearly have too much time on my hands and/or too great of an ability to procrastinate. Ahhh, well I am happy to experience perhaps the nicer parts of Winnipeg before the fall/winter sets in-- this sentence was written as a mosquito took a juicy bite from my neck!!!

P.S. Post comments God Dammit.
examples of different kinds of comments:

a) critical comment: "Get a job you lazy bum"

b) complimentary comment: " You made a wonderful decision moving to the land of mosquitos and cold and though I miss you desperately every day of my life, I know that you will soon be a happy as a plum"

c) inquiring comment: "What do you do all day"? or "Have you painted your other room yet"?, "Any more sightings of hunks in trucks with trees in the back"?

ETC...

OR alternately you can tell me something entirely un-related, something about your exciting and fulfilling life!

Wolseley Mayhem

The neighborhood I live in is called Wolseley and it is very close to the University of Winnipeg, which yes is very convenient for me (and likely will seem like a real blessing once the winter kicks in). However it also means that in the past week this cute, peaceful, tree lined street has become home to many first year university students eager to embrace their newfound freedom wholeheartedly.

I noticed something fishy was going on when I saw a group of at least 5 boys (I can't bring myself to call 18 yr. old's men) attempting to move their beds into the house via a small second floor window, in the house directly across the street from us. I suppose they were having trouble snaking the beds through the staircases of the house and felt that this was a good strategy. It was quite a comedy to witness as they hoisted bed after bed up through the windows... as you can tell I still have copious amounts of time on my hands (school doesn't start until next week and I have yet to locate a job) to engage in people watching. Any way this house of boys likes to PARTY. They had a party on Sunday night which was loud but I barely noticed as I stumbled into bed slightly intoxicated and totally exhausted that night ( recall the 'Times Changed' night) and then they had another party which was of an even greater volume last night.

Last night I did not go out. I did however get into a slight bit of a homesick mood which I tried to stave off by chatting to Jackie on the phone, reading and going to bed early-ish. Unfortunately my homesick mood made me very vulnerable to irritation and very prone to hardcore insomnia... the party, composed of what sounded like about sixty first year, hormone ridden/ alcohol soaked kids, did not help this matter. At about 12 am I turned off the light and tuned into a epic auditory experience. From my bed I experienced all phases of the party, first I experienced the tamer sounds of an acoustic guitar sing along, followed by the sounds of a stereo and voices getting louder and louder as the booze bottles no doubt got emptier and emptier, then I heard a lot of sex jokes and sex references and girls feigning disgust and boys chuckling at their cleverness or whatever, then I listened to about a half an hour of skate board tricks... directly below my window (gotta love the sound of boards slamming the pavement over and over again). And in no time at all the fights started (I was anxiously awaiting them... knowing that they meant it would all be over soon), first their was a fight between two girls which involved a long session of one girl pretending to be a baby to the other girl repeating "wa wa wa" in a remarkably obnoxious voice over and over again, and then of course there were the requisite fights between the couples... fights that don't need explanation as I am sure you can all imagine them down to the most minute details. Yeah, so sleep didn't really greet this homesick gal till 'round 3:30 am which was pretty unfortunate considering this morning was my first official day as a Graduate Student as I had an orientation session at 9am!!

Although I feel like I should report on it, in truth there is little to say about the grad orientation. It was overall fairly standard and boring procedure, just about the various services on campus, etc. It is remarkably non- techy university, I can't even look at my schedule on line and the library staff came to the orientation to give a special announcement: they now offer an online database!!! What were they doing before? How did people do research? So curious and charming and slightly disconcerting.

On a final note, I would like to mention that I purchased a single (plastic) bottle of local Manitoba beer tonight (accompanied by Dane, as apparently it is too dangerous to wander around alone at night in this area) at an off sales venue. The venue is housed in a motel which is also a pawn shop and a chinese food restaurant. The vendor is protected by a piece of bullet proof glass. Need I say more.

Nighty night.

Times Changed + Dirty Dog

Before leaving Toronto I was told many, many things about Winnipeg... some from people who had been here before, some from people who were actually from here and some from people who had just heard things and felt entitled to pass what they had heard on. Most of the things I was told could be categorized as warnings. I was warned most frequently about the weather (i.e. the cold, which apparently rivals Siberia for coldest city in the world-- I learned this today), second most often I was told about the mosquitoes, occasionally I was warned about the violence (homicide capital of Canada) and finally I was warned that people didn't really go out at night (which for me is a warning that is almost as bad as the weather, mosquitoes and violence warning all combined). Luckily, a handful of thoughtful friends and acquaintances thought it might be good to send me out west with some of Winnipeg's highlights in mind so that I wouldn't feel as though I was moving to the equivalent of hell! One of the highlights that was mentioned to me on more than one occasion is a place called: Times Changed, and since arriving I have been itching to check it out.

Thanks again to my wonderful room mate, Dane, I did check it out last night and let me tell you, people most certainly DO GO OUT AT NIGHT in WINNIPEG. Apparently Sunday nights are the best nights for this old blues bar that has character beyond character beyond character, so I assume I saw the best of it and based on what I did see I will definitely be returning on future Sundays. It is a fairly small place that is literally plastered from floor to ceiling with posters and pictures that appear as non-sequitor to the foreigners eye but likely tell a cohesive story to the regulars and the old timers. My favorite poster, stuck up high but in clear view, read in bold plain font: WHAT WOULD NEIL YOUNG DO?. That's it, that's the whole poster, that's the message and the question! Amazing.

The bar is entirely centered around watching music. And the music consists of a band that has a rotating group of players and a rotating group of vocalists. The band and the vocalists perform old blues, folk and country tunes, although last night there was even a little psychedelic interlude... again, Amazing. Some of the musicians were pretty excellent and clearly dudes and ladies that had been playing and loving music for a long time. The vocalists were pretty dope too. There was one younger woman who got up and sang 'The House of the Rising Sun' and I swear I was fighting back tears with every bit of strength (and desire not to totally humiliate myself in the one place where I actually felt truly comfortable since arriving here) I had. She was clearly new to performing and had a shyness that combined with her powerful but timid voice just broke my heart. She hit every note perfectly (not an easy task with that song) but didn't quite break through her self consciousness and although this may have been a problem for another performer somehow it just made her execution of the song that much more intense. I spoke to her after the set, to let her know how great it was and she was super grateful and cute and told me that she had never performed in public before. Amazing x 100000000000000.

So yes Winnipeg does indeed have gems and the Times Changed is for sure one of them. When you all come visit me I can take you there, K?, K.

On a separate note Toad and I were taken to the 'dog park' today which was actually a dog field or a dog prairie ( it was just sun bleached grass-- no trees-- and went on and on and on), a little bit outside of the city and toad fell in a puddle of mud, here all the pictures to prove it. Unfortunately, they don't really capture how hilarious he looked. The poor guy didn't find it nearly as funny as his people companions did. He was then dipped in the dog pond, to clean the mud, which he found equally unpleasant and is now totally conked out under the bed and I don't expect to see him till tomorrow.

Lastly, thanks for joining guys... now don't forget to comment. Please comment. Sorry I'm so high maintenance.

Love,Myera.

p.s. apologies for sloppy writing, think I'm a tad sun stroked from the prairie/park

Calling all the ladies...

The theme of this entry is, thank heavens for my amazing room mate and Winnipeg loves hip hop.

Being inside my mind right now is like living on both ends of a teeter totter that has been hopped up on copious amounts of speed. The up/ down swings have reached a new and striking momentum, leaving me feeling pretty f-ing tired and not particularly myself. Cycling over the bridge that crosses the Assiniboine river, feeling the cold air coming off the water and glancing down to see the liquid quickly snaking along it's downward path, I can feel elated and certain that coming here was the right decision. Only to flip that decision entirely on it's head an hour later when trying to move between two supposedly 'close' establishments and finding that it requires a half hour of cycling through desolate, suburban style streets with the impending sense that I am indeed lost and there is NO one around to help me... Where are you Winnipeg, when I need you?

I wonder what moving to a new city is like for less emotionally volatile people? For people who care less about how beautiful or urban or interesting a city is and more about what they are actually there to do. Not that I don't care about what I came here for... it's just that I seem to want it all! And all at once too! Why am I such an incredible brat?

In other matters, Winnipeg loves, loves, loves hip hop. Dane, my dear room mate and the person that gets me out the house when I am contemplating booking a ticket home and giving the peg the finger, took me along to a couple things the other night and I learned a little about how people here party. First we went to a graffitti gallery party and then to a bar called the Windsor Hotel where the party relocated after the gallery shut down. In both venues Dane's friends were d.j.ing and the music was exclusively hip hop, good hip hop but admittedly mostly stuff I don't know.

The Windsor Hotel was one of these places where the seedy quality is where the appeal lies and I(perhaps more than most) have a real soft spot for this kind of atmosphere when it comes to night life. The bar was lined with big broad chested dudes drinking out individual mini-pitchers that look as though they contain about 2 pints worth of liquid, in the center there was a spattering of tables all packed with people downing round after round of shots and up at the front a group of fairly liquored girls dancing and having what looked to me like an awesome time. I felt a strong pang of nostalgia for nights of dancing with my girl friends (and sister!). Pangs that were intensified by the fact that I am not sure we have bars or parties or d.j.'s quite like this in Toronto and yet I can remember countless time that we have sat around wishing there was a good hip hop party to go to, like without having to go to a yuppie club. So girls, who want's to come to Winnipeg... I know you do.

xo T.O. xo

More on the importance of PEOPLE

It's an unusual challenge to not know anyone in an extremely friendly town. Considering that it is only my first week here it is truly remarkable how many people I have met. I have had at least one plan every day or evening since I have been here. These plans have been with people who typically have at least more than one degree of separation between myself and them and yet they are willing to take time from their lives to meet up! This level of friendliness is striking to me... I am not sure that I have encountered such warm welcomers up to this point in my life, a realization that has stirred some questions in my already question-ridden mind.

Encountering the warmth and generosity of these Winnipegers has generated an equal mix of relief and discomfort. Why the discomfort? The first reason that I can attribute to this (a reason that became crystalized for me through a long distance phone conversation with Noah... thanks Noah) is that I am simply not accustomed to this level of openess among virtual strangers and although I am thrilled that it exists, I find myself feeling insecure and even suspicious in it's presence! Ridiculous, I know. How is it possible that these interesting, established, funny, etc. folks actually want to meet me for coffee/lunch/drinks? They don't even know me. Moreover they already have friends, they don't need more. Anxiety soaked queries such as these rattle my brain before, during and after these otherwise very enjoyable little encounters with these warm hearted peggers.

This week of welcoming has none the less made a real impression on me. Next time, I am settled in a town, be it back in Toronto, here or elsewhere, and I hear of a newcomer I will most certainly extend invitations. Before moving here, I am not sure I had such conviction about this topic...I am not sure I even thought of it much. Living in Toronto I am so entirely enveloped with friends and family that I am not sure I step back and make an effort to include less integrated peeps-- then again, maybe I do I just have never considered the role it might have played in someone's life? Hard to say what it is you do socially when you are comfortable and everything is laid out for you (such as it was for me in Toronto), it's only when you shift things up and temporarily lose your day to day contacts and supports that your become conscious of how really important people are and how you have navigated the social realms so far.

In other matters, I have begun the job search for real. I have quite a few postings, some that I have found on my own and some that have been sent to me by the friendly locals, and tomorrow I intend to getting the cover letter factory rolling. Cover letters in the land of social services are a huge bitch to write, you have to be intensely particular about the language you use and be sure to outline all of your ideological beliefs down to most minute details-- it can be super stressful to write just a single page. I plan to find a library to settle into and tackle the task-- but first I have to find the library... ahh, nothing is simple when you move.

On a closing note, I bought a some kind of American South Western antique doo- hicky that I think is the total bomb and is in honor of the fact that I plan to start horse back riding lessons this Fall-- as any true prairie girl should. Here's a picture of this marvel... what do you think it is??? I spent time trying to figure it out on the internet but no cigar. The ladies at the antique store seemed to think it was something the horse would actually wear and the bell would alert you that it was coming your way... don't know what I think about this theory...

P.S. If you read this blog can you try and add yourself as a follower, I am scared that I am writing into the abyss

Pictures--below is the text post for today...

Success and Less Success

I'm still here, right here in the Peg and as I remind you, remember that I am also reminding myself-- it takes practice to know where you are...you know....

I must admit that I am feeling a whole lot better about being here than I was even three days ago, the charm of this city is becoming more apparent to me and I'm starting to wonder if their (the pegger's) warnings that I will NEVER leave might come true. Regardless if it is true or not, I am here for 3 years minimum and at this point that feels like FOREVER, but not necessarily in a bad way.

Two eventful things happened today. One wonderful and one funny/ a slight bit humiliating.

The wonderful thing that happened was that I went to the U of W's campus and met with the woman who heads up the Master's program I am doing. I was immediately comforted when I walked into her office as it had all of the fixings that I associate with seasoned social workers (and the kind of lady I hope one day to be). There were large and disorganized piles of paper covering her desk, at least four comfy chairs--decked out with little pillows-- squished into a relatively small space, a large window eclipsed by several hanging plants, a bookshelf stacked with amazing reads (if you have a penchant for mental health, gender issues, family dynamics and theories of trauma!) and all of the requisite posters with empowering messages scrawled in 80's style fonts across them. Might be hard to imagine if you haven't worked in social services, I however have seen many such offices and so appreciate the messy, unpretentious and overall welcoming feel of them.

Marilyn, the director, is as I expected, a pretty great lady. Within minutes of my being there she was on the phone with various higher-ups at agencies and organizations in the city trying to get me a job!!!! When does that ever happen that you go to meet your University program director and they look for a job for you. AHHHH, these nice people, I tell ya.

Marilyn and I chatted about the courses and I noticed the combination of sensations that indicates I am in the right place: warm, fuzzy feeling in chest and quick, excited feeling in brain. The program is incredibly down to earth, intellectually rigorous and genuinely committed to creating caring, intelligent and accountable therapists. So yeah, I felt about 1000 times better after leaving what turned into our hour long meeting.

The other noteworthy thing that happened today was that I attended a two-year old's birthday, however amazingly I attended it a day early. Yes, that's right, I was so excited to have a plan (the said b-day party that I was invited to by someone I met over the weekend) that I giddily biked over a somewhat considerable distance with some kind of desert loaf in my backpack as an offering, only to find an empty house with a very irate dog barking at me from behind the door. I called the mother of the 2 yr old and she regrettably informed me that her son's birthday is tomorrow and that I should come back then as they are not home at the moment. Well, I must say I felt pretty f-ing embarrassed, not to mention totally fucking itchy as the mosquitoes appeared to be extra plentiful in the 2 yr old's hood.

On the plus side, biking to the non-existent party gave me an opportunity to see more of the city and to feel more comfortable navigating it. One thing that is worth mentioning about this here Winnipeg is that the light is pretty special, I guess it's prairie light? It's hard to describe but just imagine a light that seems to stretch on in every direction endlessly. Big light, broad light. Beautiful.

Till next time dudes and dudettes.

P.S. Here are some photos of the house and toad. They are kind of shoddy 'cause they were taken with my phone...so don't judge!

On a positive note

Hiiiiieeeee,

This post is dedicated to the things I like so far about Winnipeg/My new life. I apologize for using the numbered list format again, it just feels so convenient when all I've got is anecdotes, if you know what i mean...

So it turns out that as I continue on here my life is starting to feel somewhat more real (a fact exemplified by the mosquito that just bit my 'third eye', there are more mosquitos here than I usually see on a camping trip in North Ontario io io). And as it becomes more real and less surreal I am able to appreciate aspects of my new locale. Here goes...

1) I have a fan group. Well, actually Toad has a fan group and it's no small group at that. Remember those kids that I referred to in post 1-- the ones that hang out in the alley putting their lives in danger, well those same kids just LOVE Toad! As soon as they spot the little fluff ball coming their way, they start calling to one another in some aramaic dialect that I can't place (Somali? Ethiopian?) and within seconds Toad is surrounded by a group of at least 8 boys and 1 small girl (who makes the cutest joy noises when she pets Toad). Me and these kids have developed a routine that they like and feel comfortable with, it requires that I hold Toad's head (they are scared he might bite, hilarious!) and then ALL at once they pet him maniacally. It is honest to god one of the cutest things I have ever seen. Today they asked to borrow him for the day and while I considered it I realized that whoever and wherever their parents are, they may not approve of their kids babysitting a shit-poo named Toad.

2) Only a mere block from my house there is a Middle Eastern food products store!!!! You cannot imagine the excitement I felt when I noticed this little gem. I had found a place to purchase my beloved Curries, Vine leaves, Hummus, Sardines, Pita Bread, Pickles, Samosas, Lentils, the list goes on.... This little store has made a genuine difference in my experience of Winnipeg, just tonight I made a curry with ingredients from there and it caused my nose to run, a sensation I so cherish.

3) People are nice. Like, really, really nice. Every where you go there are people being nice. And from what I can tell it is real niceness. What it real niceness you might ask? Well for me, it is a niceness that comes from a place of just enjoying being kind and then enjoying reciprocated kindness-- a niceness that exists for the purpose of harmonious communication and connection. The people I have actually met here (through various connections in Toronto) manifest this niceness, as do the people I encounter in the shops and restaurants. For example tonight the security guard in the liquor store went outside to watch Toad, who was not allowed in the store, for me! And a few days ago the ladies at the wonderful 3 story antique shop I went to said that I could hang out with them whenever I felt lonesome! So fucking nice.

4) This will be my last point as I don't want to bore you with too many words...so # 4 in my list is: My House. I really like my house. It's big and spacious and old and charming. Dane my room mate(who is also VERY nice) says that the house was built in the early 1900's. It's a funny house because the previous owners painted it a whole bunch of wacked out colours, almost every room is a different colour, and while I might find this offensive in another dwelling somehow this house can carry it well. There is also a front and back yard which are wild and overgrown, two features I appreciate. And finally it is located on a lovely little cul-de-sac street that is lined with massive trees and inhabited by people that smile and say hi when passing each other. NICE!

I have been away from home for exactely one week now

My mood hit a bit of a low point today. I woke up in the morning and realized two things, one; that I didn't exactely like the colour I painted my bedroom and two; that I had no one to go for Sunday brunch with.

These are the kinds of things that are a BIG deal to me. I treat my room as my personal mental health hospital. Therefor it is immensly important to me that it has aesthetic qualities that possess the power to turn my distress into bliss or my boredom into inspiration, etc. So waking up to a colour that seemed not quite right felt like I was off to a bad start and following up that realization with the thought that I am indeed in a city where, as of yet, I am friendless and the possibility of a gossipy or even hungover brunch is nil to none felt pretty crummy (especially considering I wasn't the least bit hungover, since I didn't go out last night-- for that requires friends too)!

I'm working on fixing the room...I think my efforts have been quasi succesful, I should have it set up by tomorrow and will post a picture then. Sadly the friend issue has been left to the gods. Happily, Toad remains unphased and is his usual perky, adorable self.

I think my room mate is bringing me home a beer now (the Peg has off sales, a system I encountered in Vancouver and should most definitely be introduced to Toronto), so here's to 'taking the edge off'.

xo.

Here begins my blog and my grand effort to elucidate the experiences of a born and bred Toronto girl who has found herself smack dab in the middle of Canada (WINNIPEG, MANITOBA, to be precise) for reasons she has to remind herself of on a minute to minute basis. Reason number 1: I am about to embark on a graduate degree in Family Couselling at U of W, Reason number 2: I don't know this reason or any of the reasons that are to follow but I am operating on the principle of fate and therefore will outline these reasons as they make they begin to make themeselves apparent...and that they will, right?.....

Being new to a place allows a person to make all sorts of rash, likely innacurate but seemingly very valid observations about it. I have been making exactly these kinds of observations at a rapid fire speed, although I have only been here a total 5 days, I have countless assertions and speculations to make about this strange, little/big prairie city...below I will share some of these with you fine friends and family of mine.

1. There is a distinct ghost town feel to this city. A feeling I attribute to the fact that it is very large in geography but very small in population. Also many of it's extremely beautiful and old buildings are empty. There is something sad about this to me...how do other Winnipegers feel about it, I wonder?

2. The bars here are carpeted and have large T.V.'s turned to sports channels.

3. There is a toughness in the air here. Men travell in groups or maybe I should say gangs. They swagger, their big and they look like they are heading somewhere but I have a feeling it might just be the Tim Horten's parking lot near my house.

4. People take great pride in what they call the 'anarchist spirit' of the city. I am not sure if they are referring to a commitment to an anti-authority, non-hierarchical, equality based politic or if they mean that people are free to light fires in thier front yards for burning thier mail and other items (something I have now witnessed twice).

5. Bunny rabbits hop around on the streets. For real.

6. Trucks seemed to be the preferred vehicle. Very buff and attractive men drive in them and carry all sorts of manly things in the back, i.e. Whole Trees.

7. The cute coffee shop type business has not quite caught on here yet. I deeply miss Ella's Uncle or Manic Coffee. I think that this might just be one of the harder adjustments for me.

8. Chrisitian Hippie cults run what coffee shops there are. They serve great food (home made cheese and bread sandwiches) and excellent coffee but they are very intent on having me come to one of thier 'celebrations'. Today I went to Tim Hortons to avoid telling them I'm Jewish.

9. The air is noticebly cleaner. It is also a lot dryer. Not to mention the fact it is already quite cold, tonight I wore long johns.

10. There is very little supervision of children. In fact a group of kids hangs out in the alley by my house all day long and I have yet to identify a single parent. And yesterday I saw a separate group of kids jumping off the roof of a 2 story house. My responsibility complex is in high gear but as of yet I have only lectured once about watching for cars and not swinging sticks at eye level.

And so there you have my first 10 observations! Likely innacurate and likely to be modified as my time here continues. I miss my life in T.O. and my friends and family dearly but here goes trying something NEW. Wish me luck and stay tuned for more Prairie Toad stories.

Peace Out!