Aerial Overhaul

Remembrance day is a holiday in Manitoba... as far as I can remember this is not the case in Ontario. Most people have the day off from work and school and the streets are slightly more full than on a typical day in the city (I am still struck by the relative emptiness of the sidewalks, there are typically lots of people speeding around in cars but very few pounding the pavement). It was nice, somehow the weather is really mild here still (Climate Change perhaps!!!:( ) and I am trying to soak it up because as I have been told countless times 'it will not last'. And when it does finally pass, myself and the rest of Winnipeg will be immersed in a brutally cold and unforgiving winter-- this prospect haunts me!! I have, of recent, taken to walking Toad along the river, it is really peaceful and makes me happy to be here. Apparently you can skate on the rivers throughout the winter, I am so looking forward to this.

School has got me all worked up and excited about Narrative therapy and I am finally making exciting connections between my years of feminist theory studies and narrative therapeutic practices. This is pretty much exactly what I want to be thinking about! My instructor, Libby, picked up on my interest in this relationship (between narrative and feminist theory) and brought some books from her home collection that she thought I might find interesting... I am devouring them! Next weekend I am doing a workshop just on Narrative practices, I will write more on the topic after that. Though maybe people (readers) find this sort of thing boring??? I never know...

Last night I had my first flying dream. I am really thrilled about this. To be entirely honest, I have gone through some whirlwind emotional experiences lately and it has been feeling like my internal world was being overhauled-- for better or for worse.?. So, it's seems somewhat symbolic to me that I was given the gift of an aerial dream. Significantly, I was flying over a men's soccer game and the guys in the game were looking up at me and laughing--- but I kept on flying nonetheless and I remember thinking how effortless the whole thing was, it sort felt like swimming but even easier.

I feel more and more like I am actually living here. Waking up in the morning no longer comes with the same jolt of surprise. This is both reassuring and disconcerting. Though, admittedly I am counting down the days till I return home for a visit--- 29 days left!

Finally, I strongly recommend the new(ish) Bill Callahan album, titled: 'Sometimes I wish we were an Eagle)... it is fucking gorgeous. In my opinion the second song should go down in history, it is so creative and feeling and musically perfect. Pick it up, for real.

Loving y'all.

mind shadows

insomnia!

it's been haunting me lately. mostly i get the kind where i abruptly wake up in the middle of the night with some kind of panic (dream related?) and then continue to stay awake for at least three hours and it usually not until the light starts creeping around the curtains that my head starts to feel heavy and disappear again to sleep.

i am not a skilled insomniac and tend to not do the things you are advised to do, i.e. read, get up and make tea, watch something, pet the dog, etc. instead i do exactely what is bound to keep me locked in awake land while everyone else floats around in thier dream soups, i WORRY. of late i worry about the best of all topics: i worry that my life is amounting to nothing, i worry that by living in winnipeg i am losing my most important loving connections at home, i worry that i will never have the family i so want and i worry about death... yep, that's become a real biggie for me... when will i die? will i die with regrets? what does death feel like and where will i go when i'm gone? i worry to the point that it all begins to feel real. the doom and gloom swims in my blood and i believe, i believe every though that graces my mind.

not a good scene. nope, this internal life of mine has taken a turn for the worst. dark nights of the soul alright.

i have some ideas about how i got into this dark little mess and where it may even be taking me (i have come to see that these episodes in the mind's shadows have a place-- they are encounters with our own vulnerability and they keep us raw and sometimes even leave us refreshed)... there is some definite purging going on and i imagine that after i tire from these infinite worries i will be in a bit of a different place... but this a topic for another time. for now, i will lay my head down and hope to enter a steady stream of sleep and if not, at least i know what the script is.

xo.

holy moly mary it's been a long time!

well, as many of you have noticed i have really dropped the ball on posting over the past month or so. this happened mostly because i went to toronto and had wonderful whirlwind adventures and then returned to this here winnipeg and went directly into crisis mode, agonising day and day out as to whether or not i should remain or return!!! i did not want to subject my dear readers to my circular and in moments highly self-indulgent thinking and so i backed off.

i plan to build my return to the realm of blogging slowly, filling in the gaps as i go. for now, the most i can say is that Halloween seemed to revive me. during the day i partook in the manitoba spirit as i played in an outdoor ball hockey tournament and in the evening i donned my virgin mary costume (which included a hand-made embroidered velvet sacred heart, that took me HOURS to make) and ventured out into the wonderful world of winnipeg parties. boy oh boy does this city know how to a) party b) be mind-blowingly creative about how it parties (i would say so much more on this matter but it really deserves a separate post). whether it was the awesomeness of the parties, my relative sense of anonymity in this town or the special powers that came to me as i embodied the virgin, i cannot say but i felt an immense sense of freedom last night as floated from event to event, dancing my tired hockey body till 5 am!

so, yeah, i am happy to say that i am back, ready to resume my writen account of the various trials/joys of re-locating, of prarie city life, of new communities and of learning to better understand and work with the emotional terrain of families, etc .

from winnipeg with love,

my.

Dad's depiction of Winni...it's perfect

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii,

Quick little update 'cause this piggy peg girl is totally exhausted!!!

So here is some of recent life in brief:

This weekend was good. Very good. But mostly it was very good because it was kick started with a Final Fantasy and Timber Timbre show, two of my most beloved Toronto bands. I went to the show with Kellee and Chris who are awesome and lovely and friends of friends of mine in T.O. The night actually started with some time spent in Kellee and Chris' living room, drinking an amazing whisky and fresh blueberry concoction and having a total cute overload as K and C's 2 yr. old son went through a picture book with the babysitter saying all sorts of amazing toddler things AND two of the cutest mutty dogs lay sleeping on top of one another at my feet. That level of cuteness is hard for me, makes everything feel like it's bursting inside.

The show itself was magic which is entirely in keeping with both of those performers... it's so incredible that they were touring together, similar to the cuteness overload, this show gave me 'shivers and chills' overload! Note to any of you who have managed to never see a FF or TT show, I urge to check both of them out ASAP. Notably, this was also the first non-rap concert that I have been to since arriving here--- in fact I have probably seen more rap shows in the past month than I have seen in my entire life before moving to Winnipeg, so strange. After the show Kellee, Chris, myself and Taylor from TT went to a pub in the exchange district and funess continued.

Final Fantasy and Timber Timbre played at a place called the West End Cultural Center which was probably the fanciest place I have been too since I moved to this city. Have I mentioned before that NOTHING is fancy here? Or at least nothing I have seen. I'm sure there is a fanciness but it is not a predominant feature. Which is actually pretty incredible and truly changes the atmosphere of the city. This particular venue has recently been renovated and has a big spacious and somewhat formal/dignified feeling to it. It was really relaxing to actually be somewhere that was just a big simple space, i.e. no t.v.'s or carpets or gambling machines.

Other good details of the weekend:

- I watched two episodes of True Blood which really is good! It's tacky and over the top but soooo compelling at the same time. I think it's the characters, they are so distinct and actually kind of complex... they draw you right in. It's also that it's set in the South, the South always gets me...

- Dane and I drank Booster Juice which I have only recently discovered and have found it to be a fairly good substitute for Fresh smoothies and an excellent hangover remedy.

- My readings for school proved to be excessively interesting. Learning now about Attachment theory which as the author articulated it is actually a theory that tries to understand the importance of love for psychological development and well being. Sounds big and overly simple but please know this is 'cause I am too tired to properly flesh it out. In actuality it is so fascinating and what I have been dying to learn about for years. LOVE. I am studying LOVE.

Lovelovelove,

my.

This City

Winnipeg, winnipeg, winnipeg how is it that you offer me endless amounts of wierdness? Are you inherently weird? Is it my foreign eyes that see you as weird when perhaps you are entirely normal to the natives? Or is it that I attract the weirdness that is only but one of your many components?

My time here has now passed the one month mark and I must say I am not convinced that this is the place for me. Which is nothing less than a sad and somewhat demoralizing thought... I have after all just moved the majority of the contents of my life, my small and seemingly equally confused dog and my very own body, soul and mind to this city with the earnest intent of staying for 4 whole years (in order to complete my program). Granted perhaps I moved with too high hopes. Hopes of friendly communities just waiting to welcome the out of towner, hopes of smaller city quaintness and a refreshing lack of pretension (which there is but what sits in it's place is not exactly appealing to me) and overall a hope that the change would invigorate and inspire me in a way that would not be possible if I continued living in Toronto. As many of you have told me before I am a woman of high expectations and perhaps high expectations are not fair to a city such as Winnipeg... perhaps Winnipeg is a place that one should have moderate or mediocre expectations of? And if this is the case than is it a place where I will be happy?

I am not sure if any of you back home have heard of the recent spade of intensely violent occurrences that have transpired here in Manitoba's capital? Well, I will spare the long list but I think it is worth mentioning that I live but 1 street away from where a man was lit on fire last week. Yes, that's right, he was doused with lighter fluid and then had a match (or maybe a succession of matches) thrown on him which naturally caught on fire, causing 2nd and 3rd degree burns along his whole body. The reasons for this particularly disturbing crime are confusing to me, according to the media it had to do with some kind of revenge as the man lit on fire tried to stop the criminals from stealing a car a week or so back. Sounds like half a story to me but who knows? I thought that I was used to a degree of 'rough around the edges', 'dangerous-esque' living having lived in Kensington market, a block away from a serious crack park and lots of other crazy shit, but I must say the violence that exists in this city gives me the creeps. There is a nastiness and a randomness to it that makes me sad about humanity.

On an entirely different and much lighter note, I have been going to a pottery class at a place called Art City that is near my house and it is a total delight. Art City has existed for like 15 yrs and all of the classes there are entirely free! It draws an amazingly mixed crowd and I have met some really awesome people there. I go on Tuesday nights between 4pm and 8pm and have been working on a ceiling mobile of eye balls, I can't tell if it's going to work out or not, but if it does it will be totally dope (in my humble opinion). It feels crazy to be able to do so much pottery for free but hey, this is one of the real bonus points of the peg... lots of funding goes to super cool shit!! So if your thinking of starting a community initiative or making a movie or getting an ngo going why not move to Winnipeg!!! Come on guys.... please.

Lastly, I am coming home for Thanksgiving. I am very happy about this. But I am also very scared considering that I am not yet feeling so hyped about this move and fear that going home will make it sooooo much harder to come back.

Is it always really hard to move or is this city just not a great fit for me? I ask myself this about a thousand times a day. Also what about the fact that I really moved for the program and the program has met all of my unrealistically high expectations... so should I just put my dislike for the city aside? Also what about those of you who love Winnipeg, could you maybe fill me in on what you love?

MZW

ps. it is freaking freezing here already.

dippity doo

5:30 pm here.

Listening to Nolan Natasha. The incredible trans rapper from Toronto. Remembering Alice and I watching him perform this summer, in awe, tearing up at the bravery/awesomeness of his lyrics and beauty of his presence.

Hitting one of those dips in the day. Will try and remedy it by heading to the Y for a swim. Afterwards there is some collective embroidery art project thingy majigy that I will check out.

Maybe it will help... the mood?

Only 2 days till I am 28, WTF!!! Aging doesn't stop for nothing. I will be attending a rap show for my b-day, entirely in character with the hilarity/aburdity/surreal-ness of my new life. I am already aching thinking about how much I will miss you all.

Class last night was once again mind-blowing.

Aloha from Manitoba!

Hey. It feels like it has been a loooooooooong time since I have hammered out one of these entries. Maybe that means I have been busy? Or maybe it means I have been lazy? Or perhaps it means that nothing has happened at all? Or that so much has happened I don't know where to begin? It is, I think a combination of all of the above. It definitely becomes more intimidating to write when the momentum slows down and I lose a few days in a row-- suddenly everything and nothing becomes a topic worth blogging about. So, given that it has been a little while and I am feeling bogged down in both the details and the vagueness, I think that I will approach this blog systematically or categorically. I will discuss school first, then dad's visit and finally return to the topic of fun and entertainment in this strange and ?exciting? prairie town.

School:

Much, much to say on this front. To begin with, I am happy to share that I am still loving it and think that it is a very good fit indeed. I had a class last Wednesday that was markedly different than the class I reported on earlier, a fact that I can attribute almost entirely to the incredible eccentricity of the professor. A woman with extensive credentials, tremendous charisma and quirks more bizarre than I have yet to encounter in the sphere of academia. The first feature I should mention is her outfit: a matching top and pants made out of a bright hawaiin print fabric. The second notable point was her penchant and belief in stretching, indeed every 10 minutes a stop watch positioned on her desk goes off signaling that we all must get up and invigorate our brains by stretching our limbs. Stretching at ten minute intervals in a graduate level course, fantastic!!! She also fashioned her lecture with diagrams that I am certain only made sense to her (full of all sorts of zig zaggy lines and cryptic coding) insisting that learning occurs better when there are visual aids. However despite her true quirkiness, I must admit she appeared to have a deep grasp of the content of the course and I am super hyped to get into the material. It is a pure theory course and from what I can tell is going to include a ton of new information for me.

Dad Visit:

My incomparably sweet and wonderful father re-routed the tail end of a business trip to come to Winnipeg for one day and two nights. It was such a delight to be around someone who knows me so, so very well-- to speak to someone without my new found negative brain chatter that convinces me that no one I meet likes me or wants to hang out with me! :( ! My dad has to like me, he is my dad!! Ha! No but for real we had a really nice time and actually crammed quite a bit of winnipegging into that one day. We explored the Exchange District which is a pretty nice part of town full of extremely large old, beautiful warehouse type buildings, (as well as some fancier more elaborate gothic type constructions) some of which have been taken over by business. We wandered into some really awesome places... i.e. a massive, massive used book/record store called Red River Books which I plan on returning to when I am in need of my next read. I gleaned some more evidence of this charm that people who love this city refer to, which was reassuring.

Our visit was topped off by going to Rae and Jerry's steak house, a restaurant truly like NO OTHER. It is a place that has literally been frozen in the 60’s. The restaurant is housed in large bungalow type, L shaped building, it’s interior is almost entirely red (REFER to pictures above)—the walls have red paneling on them, the carpet is cherry red, the staff wear red vests, plush red vinel swivel chairs and the incredibly retro font on the menu is a rich red colour. It is in my opinion aesthetically incredible, classy and romantic feeling but also somehow without pretension. The patrons all look fairly casual and at ease as they eat their incredible meals. Dad was particularly enthusiastic about the menu, ordering pickled herring, chopped liver (yes, I do believe it is a Jewish establishment!) and a steak sandwich—we all shared the herring and liver and then had our own meals as well. The food was actually amazing and thoroughly enjoyed by all (as were the Manhattan’s).

As for entertainment/ socializing… I think I will leave that category for now, however I will mention that things seem to be getting better in this department and I have come to develop an appreciation for carpeted bars as well as for the REMARKABLE drinking capacity of the average Winnipeger—a capacity, I have learned (the hard way) that I simply do not have.

Finally, Patrick my other room mate has returned from Europe and I must say he one hilarious dude, so yay, my room mates are awesome. It’s looking up….