mind shadows

insomnia!

it's been haunting me lately. mostly i get the kind where i abruptly wake up in the middle of the night with some kind of panic (dream related?) and then continue to stay awake for at least three hours and it usually not until the light starts creeping around the curtains that my head starts to feel heavy and disappear again to sleep.

i am not a skilled insomniac and tend to not do the things you are advised to do, i.e. read, get up and make tea, watch something, pet the dog, etc. instead i do exactely what is bound to keep me locked in awake land while everyone else floats around in thier dream soups, i WORRY. of late i worry about the best of all topics: i worry that my life is amounting to nothing, i worry that by living in winnipeg i am losing my most important loving connections at home, i worry that i will never have the family i so want and i worry about death... yep, that's become a real biggie for me... when will i die? will i die with regrets? what does death feel like and where will i go when i'm gone? i worry to the point that it all begins to feel real. the doom and gloom swims in my blood and i believe, i believe every though that graces my mind.

not a good scene. nope, this internal life of mine has taken a turn for the worst. dark nights of the soul alright.

i have some ideas about how i got into this dark little mess and where it may even be taking me (i have come to see that these episodes in the mind's shadows have a place-- they are encounters with our own vulnerability and they keep us raw and sometimes even leave us refreshed)... there is some definite purging going on and i imagine that after i tire from these infinite worries i will be in a bit of a different place... but this a topic for another time. for now, i will lay my head down and hope to enter a steady stream of sleep and if not, at least i know what the script is.

xo.