Aerial Overhaul

Remembrance day is a holiday in Manitoba... as far as I can remember this is not the case in Ontario. Most people have the day off from work and school and the streets are slightly more full than on a typical day in the city (I am still struck by the relative emptiness of the sidewalks, there are typically lots of people speeding around in cars but very few pounding the pavement). It was nice, somehow the weather is really mild here still (Climate Change perhaps!!!:( ) and I am trying to soak it up because as I have been told countless times 'it will not last'. And when it does finally pass, myself and the rest of Winnipeg will be immersed in a brutally cold and unforgiving winter-- this prospect haunts me!! I have, of recent, taken to walking Toad along the river, it is really peaceful and makes me happy to be here. Apparently you can skate on the rivers throughout the winter, I am so looking forward to this.

School has got me all worked up and excited about Narrative therapy and I am finally making exciting connections between my years of feminist theory studies and narrative therapeutic practices. This is pretty much exactly what I want to be thinking about! My instructor, Libby, picked up on my interest in this relationship (between narrative and feminist theory) and brought some books from her home collection that she thought I might find interesting... I am devouring them! Next weekend I am doing a workshop just on Narrative practices, I will write more on the topic after that. Though maybe people (readers) find this sort of thing boring??? I never know...

Last night I had my first flying dream. I am really thrilled about this. To be entirely honest, I have gone through some whirlwind emotional experiences lately and it has been feeling like my internal world was being overhauled-- for better or for worse.?. So, it's seems somewhat symbolic to me that I was given the gift of an aerial dream. Significantly, I was flying over a men's soccer game and the guys in the game were looking up at me and laughing--- but I kept on flying nonetheless and I remember thinking how effortless the whole thing was, it sort felt like swimming but even easier.

I feel more and more like I am actually living here. Waking up in the morning no longer comes with the same jolt of surprise. This is both reassuring and disconcerting. Though, admittedly I am counting down the days till I return home for a visit--- 29 days left!

Finally, I strongly recommend the new(ish) Bill Callahan album, titled: 'Sometimes I wish we were an Eagle)... it is fucking gorgeous. In my opinion the second song should go down in history, it is so creative and feeling and musically perfect. Pick it up, for real.

Loving y'all.

mind shadows

insomnia!

it's been haunting me lately. mostly i get the kind where i abruptly wake up in the middle of the night with some kind of panic (dream related?) and then continue to stay awake for at least three hours and it usually not until the light starts creeping around the curtains that my head starts to feel heavy and disappear again to sleep.

i am not a skilled insomniac and tend to not do the things you are advised to do, i.e. read, get up and make tea, watch something, pet the dog, etc. instead i do exactely what is bound to keep me locked in awake land while everyone else floats around in thier dream soups, i WORRY. of late i worry about the best of all topics: i worry that my life is amounting to nothing, i worry that by living in winnipeg i am losing my most important loving connections at home, i worry that i will never have the family i so want and i worry about death... yep, that's become a real biggie for me... when will i die? will i die with regrets? what does death feel like and where will i go when i'm gone? i worry to the point that it all begins to feel real. the doom and gloom swims in my blood and i believe, i believe every though that graces my mind.

not a good scene. nope, this internal life of mine has taken a turn for the worst. dark nights of the soul alright.

i have some ideas about how i got into this dark little mess and where it may even be taking me (i have come to see that these episodes in the mind's shadows have a place-- they are encounters with our own vulnerability and they keep us raw and sometimes even leave us refreshed)... there is some definite purging going on and i imagine that after i tire from these infinite worries i will be in a bit of a different place... but this a topic for another time. for now, i will lay my head down and hope to enter a steady stream of sleep and if not, at least i know what the script is.

xo.

holy moly mary it's been a long time!

well, as many of you have noticed i have really dropped the ball on posting over the past month or so. this happened mostly because i went to toronto and had wonderful whirlwind adventures and then returned to this here winnipeg and went directly into crisis mode, agonising day and day out as to whether or not i should remain or return!!! i did not want to subject my dear readers to my circular and in moments highly self-indulgent thinking and so i backed off.

i plan to build my return to the realm of blogging slowly, filling in the gaps as i go. for now, the most i can say is that Halloween seemed to revive me. during the day i partook in the manitoba spirit as i played in an outdoor ball hockey tournament and in the evening i donned my virgin mary costume (which included a hand-made embroidered velvet sacred heart, that took me HOURS to make) and ventured out into the wonderful world of winnipeg parties. boy oh boy does this city know how to a) party b) be mind-blowingly creative about how it parties (i would say so much more on this matter but it really deserves a separate post). whether it was the awesomeness of the parties, my relative sense of anonymity in this town or the special powers that came to me as i embodied the virgin, i cannot say but i felt an immense sense of freedom last night as floated from event to event, dancing my tired hockey body till 5 am!

so, yeah, i am happy to say that i am back, ready to resume my writen account of the various trials/joys of re-locating, of prarie city life, of new communities and of learning to better understand and work with the emotional terrain of families, etc .

from winnipeg with love,

my.